


Dumbledeavor

by xama



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Demon Summoning, M/M, accidental hero acquisition, mature language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 02:29:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16466963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xama/pseuds/xama
Summary: Albus has resorted to demon summoning to find a remedy for Harry's horcrux scar, and accidentally summons a certain Japanese Pro-Hero.





	Dumbledeavor

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is dedicated to Bees, who may or may not have an AO3 account but is definitely appreciated. Thank you, Bees, your crack writing inspired me.

Albus sighed; another summer, another research binge to try to find a way to remove Tom’s soul shard from poor Harry’s forehead. Albus had been searching for a way to save him ever since the Diary incident, his search had been going for three full years and the only progress that Albus had made was in discovering that Tom had used Harry’s blood to resurrect himself, giving Harry a ghost of a chance of surviving the Horcrux removal, on the condition that the killing curse or something similar was used, and that Tom was the one to cast it. Not very likely, and Albus still hoped to find something more concrete, something that wouldn’t necessitate Harry walking willingly to his death.

So Albus searched – increasingly, he found himself delving into less accepted fields of magic. Harry’s problem was that he had a bit of soul stuck in his forehead – demons were known to deal in matters of the soul (and various other essential body parts; eyes, hearts, hair), perhaps they could trade Harry’s bit of Tom’s soul for an unbeatable wand – oh wait. The wizened old headmaster had already ruled out a half dozen tomes and manuals related to summoning demons, on the grounds that they were far too bloody. A pint of blood, some pig intestines here and there did not overly bother Albus. Mutilating sentient creatures, wizard, goblin, muggle or otherwise, was a big no-no. Mutilating live animals was also generally a no-no, but Albus found it less reprehensible – and if he had to, he could ask Aberforth for advice.

Albus was leafing through Big Dipper Black’s _Compendium of Foule Artes_ (Big Dipper Black was known for his love of gratuitous e’s, and so any spells and rituals he recorded had to be studied in depth before being used unless one appreciates the benefits of having three spleens) when he discovered one that looked promising. ‘Endeavore’, under the ‘hellefyre’ section in the chapter on summoning. Albus was certain he knew which ‘e’ was gratuitous, unlike with ‘Calcifere’ or ‘Musteang’, and Endeavor’s summoning did not involve body parts like Calcifere’s, or bleeding in a phone booth like Musteang’s. All it involved was the gathering of a false beard and a few blond muscle-bound effigies.

Albus was not getting any younger, so he obtained the items, placed them in a circle, and doused them in diesel fuel. As he lit them on fire, he started chanting ‘All Might Sucks, All Might Sucks, Endeavor Should Be Number One, Quirk Marriages are Ethical What Are You Talking About’ and then, a few minutes later with the final ‘SHOTOOOOO’ a scowling human-looking being with a fire for a beard appeared in a gush of flame and a ‘woosh’.

“What is this, who are you?” The demon looked around, and glared balefully at a smoldering Ken doll.

Ah, this demon mayhaps held power over names. “My name is Vernon Dursley.” Albus had thought that Harry would be safe with his Aunt, perhaps not loved, but safe and relatively happy. Albus was not afraid to admit he had been wrong, and while he wasn’t willing to risk Harry’s safety now that Tom had a body, he was more than happy to do something to put who he suspected was Harry’s biggest tormentor in danger.

“Well Mr. Dursley, if you do not release me from your Quirk and surrender immediately, you WILL regret it.” The demon snarled.

Hm. Quirk, surrender. Possibly he was referring to magic? “I apologize, but I feel that it would be unwise to let you loose at this juncture. Would you like a lemon sherbet?”

The demon ignored Albus’ offer, instead he started yelling at Albus, asking him who he worked for and what his demands were. “I work for Lucius Malfoy, and I suppose my ‘demands’ are that you assist me in removing a foreign entity from one of my students.”

The demon stopped for a moment, and then asked “Foreign entity? Wait, students? Someone like YOU is running a school?! Where are we?”

“Well, I would normally classify a bit of soul as an ‘entity’, though perhaps in this case ‘bedraggled maggot’ would be a more accurate term. You would be able to retain the bit of soul as payment, naturally.” Albus hoped that the talk of payment would distract the demon from his inquiries about Hogwarts, otherwise he would be forced to exorcise him without obtaining any useful information. Perhaps he could be sealed within a chocolate frog card?

“Soul? What are you talking about?” The demon looked concerned now. A demon who knew nothing of souls?

“May I ask what you consider yourself to be?”

That got a clearly rehearsed response. “I am Endeavor, Pro Hero, second in Japan’s official rankings, my hero identification number is-”

“Ah, I see. I must apologize – I meant to summon a demon, and instead I appear to have kidnapped a superhero.” Albus may be old, but he was aware of trends among the youth. Superheroes, tiddlywinks, Jazz music, having premarital sex in automobiles, wireless radios – he was Hip. He was so hip, both of his hips were made out of plastic.

The superhero looked annoyed, “This is the third time someone thought I was a demon! First I was summoned by the obvious villain with a big golden ‘e’ hanging around his neck and an obsession with constellations who stunk of badly-done eugenics, then by some guy named Chretsomanchi or something, now you! This is getting really annoying!”

Hm. Albus did not know where to start, Endeavor’s strange emphasis on ‘badly-done’, implying that there was a right way to do eugenics, or the horrid pronunciation of Chrestomanci that, from anybody else, Albus would assume was intentional. Albus was not certain, but this man seemed to be a flaming Vernon Dursley.

“Does your wife, by any chance, spy on your neighbors with her surprisingly giraffe-like neck?”

“What are you blathering about?” Perhaps not. “Her quirk is Icy Fingers, not Giraffe Neck, that would be even more useless than most of our children!” Perhaps worse.

“Can I go home yet? I need to beat – I mean, train – my only useful son.” Definitely worse. Well, best not to let this nasty individual linger in this dimension, even though Albus was loathe to send him back to his family.

“Let’s see, I do not believe a standard exorcism would work here…” Albus retrieved the Compendium from his charmed-bigger pocket that he carried everywhere with him, moving it from robe to robe. His fashion sense may be outrageous, but in his opinion some ‘innovations’ like in-clothes pockets were merely a step back for humanity.

“...Ah.” Oh dear.

“What? You can send me back right?”

“I can. I do not believe I shall, however.”

“Listen, old man, I may not be a demon but my fire is hotter than any you could find in whatever bad afterlife you subscribe to, believe me I’ve researched it intensively so that I know what I’m in for.”

“You misunderstand me, I am not keeping you here on some whim, I am a strong believer of consent in all intimate encounters, and in this case, consent on your part would be questionable in any reasonable court of law.”

“...what?”

“According to the ritual in this book, the only way to send you back involves… intercourse.”

“Wait, the first guy sent me back by burning seven chickens to death, and the second guy just kind of threw me back. You just want a piece of my hot ass!”

Albus sighed. Why did everyone assume that he was a dirty old man? He got his kicks in his teens, 20s, 30s, 40s, and then when he was 77, like most Witches and Wizards do. Yes, the odd roll in the hay was nice, but really not a requirement. “I find murdering animals unpalatable, and I do believe that your ‘Chretsomanchi’ is the only being with enough power and knowledge to be able to shunt people through the Known Realms like that. But not to worry, I believe that your summoning will reverse itself in due time.”

“What do you mean ‘due time’?”

“Oh, anywhere between a day and two weeks, perhaps you can take a vacation? Go to therapy? Learn why it is detrimental to a child’s growth to physically or emotionally harm them?”

“What? I have a job to get back to! I have a son to train! No, old man, take off your clothes, let’s get to it.”

Albus sighed, contemplating what would happen next. Strip and get it over with, sending the loud-mouth home, or keep him around for however long the spell took to reverse itself, having to endure his whinging and tales of child abuse. Well then, probably better to fuck the man and be done with it.

Endeavor seemed surprised when Albus complied, perhaps he thought Albus would protest more? No, Albus learned his lesson long ago. When a hot man is practically begging for you, as long as he is not under any potions or spells, go with it. Simple as that. And Endeavor was not only hot, he was also physically attractive.

Once Albus was down to a pair of briefs (Ablus was old and certain parts needed support, he could no longer forego undergarments entirely like he did in his youth), and Endeavor was down to a pair of boxers which featured a muscle-bound blond man smiling, Albus broke the summoning circle, and let Endeavor loose into the world.

Endeavor stepped out of his circle, walked straight up to Albus, and grabbed his beard. “You’re old, and I’m hot. Let’s get it on.”

Albus grinned, “I may be old, but you will find it hard to master the Elder wand.” Saying that, Albus pulled down his briefs, and tossed them aside. He whipped out the actual Elder wand, and cast a quick _impervious_ on his Chief Warlock. No need to risk getting a disease.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a long time coming, I wrote this months ago but I couldn't bring myself to follow through with a sex scene. After the aforementioned Bees wrote a beautiful Kylo Ren/Goofy fanfic (unfortunately it is not available to the general public) I was inspired to go back to this and try again. I cleaned it up, and I realized that it didn't need a sex scene, it was good to go as-is!  
> I suppose you could say that this is a little open-ended, you probably still have some questions, like did the Elder Wand show it's true might and succeed in sending Endeavor home? Was Little Dipper Black an ancestor of Sirius on both his father's AND his mother's side? Did Christopher Chant detect the use of his name even through the mispronunciation and bear witness to their deed? I will probably never answer these even if I make a sequel, but you should assume that the answer to all of them is 'yes'.


End file.
